Since then, Xie Qingcheng has carried out these experiments almost without eating or sleeping... It seems that only in this way can he maintain peace of mind.

He can feel that his life is not completely destroyed, but still has value.

Although the mental Ebola senses are more numb than normal people, but the pain is to the bone marrow, it will still be unbearable.

Xie Qingcheng's experiments have always been carried out behind Qin Ciyan's back.

Until one day, when he was doing a burn drug test on his arm, he was met by Qin Ciyan who came in to get something by accident, and his self-destructive scientific research behavior was discovered.

Qin Ciyan was furious and immediately stopped his studies in the institute.

He asked Xie Qingcheng: "Is your life not your life? Who are you torturing by such behavior?"

"I don't feel pain."

"The people who get the results of these experiments will feel pain!"

Qin Ciyan said angrily.

"Do you know why I rejected American friends? Do you know why I didn't participate in the development of RN13?! This drug can obviously save people and some experimental subjects, but I don't Think that's a good thing, you know why?!"

"Because no medical experiment is more important than human life. Saving lives is one of the meanings of scientific research, but it is not based on the blood of living people!"

Xie Qingcheng wrapped the gauze for himself, slowly put down his white sleeves, then got up and looked into Qin Ciyan's eyes: "But teacher. This is the only thing I can do now. "

"Since I got sick, I seem to be a piece of shit. I can't do things that were easy to do in the past."

"Can you understand the powerlessness that power flows, but you can't grasp it? It's like facing time, facing gravity, facing all the things that can't be resisted."

"I try to get used to it, but I can't get used to it... My body is healed, but my heart seems to have rotted in that car accident that should have killed my life. I often wake up in dreams , I feel that my chest is empty... I really want to take a knife and cut open my chest to see what's left inside."

"I feel like I'm just a body revived from the dead. Living in this world, I don't have any role in this world other than taking care of my family..."

Xie Qingcheng said here and closed his eyes.

"I can't even take care of my family. My sister, Tong Yan Wuji, told me more than once that she thinks I've changed."

"She thinks I..." Xie Qingcheng's voice was condensed, and after a while, she said with difficulty, "She thinks I...not her eldest brother."

He said this, his eyes were still red even though he held back.

It was the young little sister who initially kept him alive.

But even his sister said that to him-and the girl is only five years old, and she has no twists and turns, she will say what she feels.

This accusation is not intentional, but a young child's heartfelt discomfort and unease.

Xie Qingcheng often felt that his body was covered with blood, and his body was covered with invisible viruses, so he gradually did not dare to hug her.

He sat on the bed at night, watching that little life in the hazy moonlight.

She loves him.

So her words can hurt him the most.

He felt that his body was riddled with holes in the car accident, and he finally picked up a heart from the blood, he held the heart and sewed the broken corpse together, like Sew up a tattered ragdoll bear, even if it is broken, I want to return to the girl's side.

The ragdoll bear clumsily, filthy, covered with wreckage, streaked, from the trash can, returned home, he opened his big hand, and greeted the little one he cherished most. The girl moved slowly.

No one knows how much he paid for this chance to wave to her awkwardly.

But she said, you are not him.

She looked at her shabby doll and said, you are not a brother.

Look, you have a wire, you are broken.

I want my brother…

My brother is intact, and my brother will not have such a terrible wound.

My brother won't scare me.

"I think I'm back, from the underworld. But I seem to have lost myself."

Xie Qingcheng said softly.

"I wasn't like this before."

"I've never lost my temper at her before. I've never lost the strength to carry her all the way home. I used to..."

When Xie Qingcheng said these words, there was not much expression.

This seems to make him feel ruthless. He has no emotions.

But when it came to this, he couldn't go on.

The throat is sore.

Qin Ciyan knew that it was not that he had no sorrow, but that in order to return from the gate of hell, he had been deprived of the joys, sorrows and joys of being a human being.

In order to survive, he must remain calm.

Because every emotional ups and downs will induce psychosis, and every time this kind of psychosis occurs, the situation will be more severe than the last time.

Xie Qingcheng paused for a long time before he said numbly: "I think I have no meaning to live."

"I can neither make her happy nor bring any value to other people. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, and I don't want to come to this world without leaving anything meaningful thing."

"I was really desperate for a while. Until you brought me to the lab. Until I found out that...my mind, my body...can withstand abnormal stress, in some diseases In the field of research, I can use this numb body to go farther than others."

"I really don't feel pain, teacher. Blood and sickness are nothing, the most terrible thing is that my heart is dead, the most terrible thing is that I can't do anything, I'm alive but a complete waste ,I do not like this."

He raised his eyes and looked at Qin Ciyan, his peach blossom eyes seemed to be covered with large areas of haggard.

"Teacher, I feel very painful. I don't want others to feel the same pain as me. I met a child with brain cancer at the gate of the institute on the weekend. At the age of eight, his parents were so sad, but they didn't give up hope... People can't overcome disease, but not being able to overcome doesn't mean surrendering without a fight."

"I don't want to succumb to suffering, maybe my life is over, but at least I can do things that normal people can't do in those invisible battles with diseases."

"I think this may be the meaning of my life...the next twenty years of my life."

"I'm going to die standing up. I'm going to die doing what I need to do."

"Teacher. This is the meaning of my life."

His blood seeped from under the gauze.

"I'm sorry, I've been hiding this from you."

Qin Ciyan couldn't tell how she felt at that time.

Angry? distressed?

It seems that he can't completely outline his heart.

What is life, he thought.

What is the core that supports everyone's survival?

It is existence, it is value.

It is what you have done and how much blood you have paid.

Life is never about getting. Getting is just a kind of nourishment that makes one live better. But no matter how much you get, when death sings, death will take everything you have along with your rotten corpse.

What can be left in this world and can help you overcome death is always what you paid for.

They are separated from you in life and death, because you have selflessly given them to the world, so they are born in you and no longer belong to you. Not even death can take it away.

That is the most powerful thing a tiny human can do.

Xie Qingcheng has always seen this very clearly, so when a person like him finds himself a worthless waste, he can't do anything and can't bear anything At times, he will be in extreme pain. That kind of pain is far better than slashing him with a thousand knives. Punish the heart and punish the life.

That's why he spent the night in the research institute after discovering his only worth, and used his body to light the light in the dark night.

He will use himself to do those experiments.

Qin Ciyan sighed, and through the thick lens, Xie Qingcheng saw the doctor's eyes filled with wet tears.

“…what about your parents?”

Qin Ciyan looked at him tenderly and sadly.

"You said you didn't want to see the parents of that brain cancer child suffer, and you didn't want to see others suffer as much as you."

"Then Xie Qingcheng."

"Can't you see those two eyes in the sky?"

“…”

"You're not an orphan, your parents left, but they loved you that much."

"You treat yourself like this, I'm not talking about me. How sad do you think they will be?"

The doctor walks up to his students, this unknown relationship, this unknown conversation.

In the cold laboratory, it melted gently and compassionately.

Qin Ciyan raised her hand and touched the hair of the young Xie Qingcheng.

"Do you know why I do such a thing, against the rules, against the danger, against all odds to save you?"

“…”

"I never told you."

"I had a son in addition to a daughter."

"Died in a car accident."

"The last thing he said to me before he left was Dad, I don't want to die."

“…”

Qin Ciyan closed her eyes: "I will never forget that sentence, those eyes."

"If I can, even if it is a vegetative person, even if his temperament changes drastically, as long as he can come back, I am willing to do anything. There is nothing more painful than watching my loved ones leave. ...Xiao Xie, your parents didn't have a choice. They passed away, but you have a choice. You shouldn't be so mean to yourself. You live well and feel the spring and autumn in the world. significance."

"Xie Xue is still young, she doesn't understand anything, so she would say such words. Children's words are unadorned and simple, but they may not be able to express themselves perfectly."

"You will always be the most important thing in her heart. If you can no longer come back to her one day, she will be really distressed and at a loss."

When he saw what Xie Qingcheng wanted to say, he shook his head and seemed to understand what Xie Qingcheng wanted to say.

Qin Ciyan was gentle, sad, but irrefutable: "I think I am qualified to talk to you like this. I can understand your feelings, in the life we ​​have gone through - you lost I lost your parents and I lost my child."

Xie Qing stood stiffly, and he saw the corners of Qin Ciyan's wrinkled eyes flashing with tears.

After a while, the tears that the doctor had been holding back finally slid down the face that was no longer young.

"If your parents were alive, they wouldn't want to see you do this."

"Xiao Xie. The meaning of life is that you must live well."

Qin Ciyan did not allow Xie Qingcheng to go to He Jiwei's biochemical pharmacy to study again.

He Jiwei was very puzzled by this. He felt that Xie Qingcheng was a very rare genius, and it would be a waste if he didn't cultivate it well.

However, according to Qin Ciyan's wishes, the young Xie Qingcheng finally thanked He Jiwei for his care and left the laboratory.

Qin Ciyan covered up the experiments done by Xie Qingcheng with the story of "virtual human", misleading others to think that "Chuhuang" is just a computer simulation, and the data of Chuhuang are all calculated data . Since then, Qin Ciyan has paid more attention to him, and he almost regarded Xie Qing as the guardian of the son who could never come back.

And Qin Ciyan soon had to go back to Yanzhou due to the rescheduling of work.

Before leaving, he took Xie Qing to the aquarium.

That was the decision Qin Ciyan made after thinking about his choice for a long time.

Sea creatures are often the most healing.

"This is the nurse shark, that... yes, the one that has been swimming in the far corner, that is the lemon shark."

Qin Ciyan was like a loving father with his son, and Xie Qingcheng and Xie Qingcheng were walking in the blue ocean aquarium with an ice cream cone.

Maybe he was a loving father.

When the sea water was unpredictable and the light and shadow stretched hazy, standing beside him was the child he would never see an adult again.

The two of them ended up in the Jellyfish Palace.

That is an area of ​​the aquarium, with crystal clear glass walls in all directions, and many glazed columns stand in the middle of the hall.

Thousands of water spirits are floating behind the glass.

Xie Qingcheng walked in and opened his eyes slightly.

He seems to have entered an ancient world, and the creatures 650 million years ago are swimming around him soothingly, relaxing their crystal body, they are like flying catkins, like falling snow, Like the first ray of dawn in early summer, like the last pond of flowers in late spring.

The grand scenes of spring, summer, autumn and winter are all brewing in the life made of that water. With the ding-dong sound of the ethereal music box of the Jellyfish Palace, it sank people's hearts into the depths, into the distant Ice Age, and sank 20,000 miles under the sea.

Xie Qingcheng was walking in the long glass corridor with shimmering water. After being ill, he felt the inner peace for the first time.

That wasn't the calm he usually forced himself.

It's real, soothing, relieving, peaceful.

"It's beautiful." He looked at a huge jellyfish like blue smoke and said softly.

Qin Ciyan looked at him with a smile: "jellyfish are creatures without brains, hearts, spines, eyes... Ninety-five percent of their bodies are water. Their lifespans are not long, only In just a few months, the oldest deep jellyfish can live for years."

“…”

"But you see, they live so freely and elegantly, and they are a very beautiful scenery in themselves. Many people just look at them and feel unprecedented peace."

"Are you too?"

"When I was young, I studied in the United States, and I went to the aquarium there every month, for nothing but to find some peace in the irritability. As soon as I went there, I went to the jellyfish area Sitting, one sitting is an afternoon." Qin Ciyan smiled with some nostalgia, "So many years have passed in a flash... The aquarium conductor also said that if I can't find a wife in the future, I can come to their aquarium to get a jellyfish for free. Going home to get married, the aquarium can hold a wedding for me, hahahaha.”

Xie Qingcheng turned to look at him.

In the gentleness of the sea moon jellyfish like a bright moon and a sinking ocean, he looked at Qin Ciyan and finally laughed.

It was also the first time he smiled like this since his illness.

"Thank you, Lao Qin."

"It's all right, kid."

Qin Ciyan left and returned to Yanzhou.

But Xie Qingcheng slowly found a way to control his emotions well. It was taught to him by his half-father, a gift passed on to him.

So, like Qin Ciyan more than 20 years ago, he often came to the Jellyfish Palace to watch the lives of these 650 million years ago.

The young Qin Ciyan became the young Xie Qingcheng, and the figures of the two doctors were blurred and overlapped in the countless ethereal world of jellyfish.

When Xie Qingcheng felt sicker, numb, and suffocated, he would watch the videos of jellyfish—

No eyes.

No light.

No heart.

No distress.

No brains.

It is a life that is much more numb than him.

But they are still very comfortable, using 95% water, splashing ink one after another to heal the heart.

Qin Ciyan said that living well is the meaning of life.

And these jellyfish are the best interpretation of living well.

Day after day, time flies, Xie Qingcheng finally relies on himself to become extremely calm, calm and peaceful.

He became the first patient of psychiatric Ebola that was almost unknown.

"In a way, you have beaten the disease. As long as you keep going like this and don't relapse, you can live well into your forties."

Qin Ciyan said.

"Even longer."

The reason why he said it took longer is because the life laboratory in the United States has developed a special drug.

Their rn-13 research was later stopped by continental legislation. People marched to protest this inhumane behavior of using homeless people as human subjects. Under pressure, the institute destroyed all their rn-13 drugs, and put into follow-up treatment for those patients who have been tested.

How to prolong the lifespan of rn-13 subjects has become their main topic.

So over the years, they finally developed a sustained-release drug, which is a drug that can greatly reduce the metabolic cycle.

This drug is too much for normal people to eat, but rn-13 subjects can bear it, and can greatly slow down the subsequent cell division because of this drug, so that their lives can be prolonged.

And this time the drug has been regularly tested and verified.

Qin Ciyan told Xie Qingcheng: "As long as you keep taking it and add your self-control, then you will be no different from a normal person, and you may not live to seven or eighty years. Maybe you can live better than me. Longer."

The word "normal" touched Xie Qingcheng's heart.

He hasn't felt that these three words are so close to him for a long time.

You must know that when he took rn-13 in that year, he thought he would never have a normal and complete life again.

"What about the side effects?" He suppressed the slight trembling in his voice.

"You're not stupid." Qin Ciyan sighed, "But the side effects are not unacceptable... Your reflexes, clarity of mind, and all of these, which are very dependent on the ability of cell activation, will decline."

"But you are very smart. If you don't take this medicine, you will have great achievements. After taking it...that is, your ability will become less and less prominent..." Qin Ciyan said, " But Xiao Xie, even if this treatment weakens your mind, you can still be a very good psychiatrist. It's just that you can only be a doctor, and it is no longer possible to spread your mental energy to other areas like before. At the same time, it has been a leader in many aspects.”

"You think about it."

At that time, Xie Qingcheng had been admitted to the University of Medicine and studied psychology for eight years.

He originally planned to not only complete his academic work during the university period, but also, with Qin Ciyan's approval, resumed his previous biochemical pharmaceutical research.

His mood is very stable now, even if he can't control it occasionally, he can rely on jellyfish videos to suppress his condition.

As soon as he sees those floating ancient lives, he can quickly calm down and no longer have strong emotions. This is a conditioned reflex he has trained for himself.

He will never again use self-mutilation to advance the experimental process.

Qin Ciyan agreed to his request.

But the emergence of the cure drug once again pushed Xie Qingcheng to a balance of choice—

It is to return to the ranks of normal people, give up scientific research, and focus on becoming a doctor.

Is it still a perilous path down the road, accomplishing tasks beyond the reach of ordinary people, and then passing away at the age of forty?

He must make a choice.

And at this moment—

Something happened that had a great impact on Xie Qingcheng.