In the gray fog that is not visible to the naked eye ten meters away, I walked alone in the direction of the old toilet. I was smoking cigarettes, immersed in the memories and sensibility evoked by cigarettes, and many pictures and some sounds constantly flashed in my mind, they were not clear, they appeared vaguely, and in a blink of an eye, they dissipated like smoke, leaving only the old Old familiarity. I did not deliberately capture them, because, strangely, I would not be worried because they appear to be incomplete but incomplete. I calmly captured my heartbeat and breathed the heavy and humid air. I do n’t know if it was close to the old toilet. There was a smell of ammonia in the air, just like a toilet that no one has cleaned for a long time-I Not sure, I really smelled it, because, in my mind, it is not the old toilet in this world, but the old toilet in the illusion of the past.

I do n’t know whether I still indulge in the memories of the past, and I have such a sense of sight-sound, humidity, smell, it seems that the illusion can be captured-all sink and float around me.

I walk on this road, but I can see the new scenery, mixed with the old scenery.

"Have you not come out yet? Are you really going to come out?" I felt the unwavering zone in the ripples of the chain judgment. Obviously want to do something, pull yourself out of this atmosphere, but suddenly feel that there is really nothing to do. What should happen will only happen when it should happen, this world is such a law, everything is meaningful, just because this meaning is too complicated and deep, it makes people feel unable to capture, make people think To give up to capture.

I think I have grown a lot, and I can maintain a certain level of calm in the face of things that many people will feel terrified of. But I am not born indifferent, and I feel tired. Even if I win a hearty victory in the battle and prove my strength, I cannot stop this kind of mental fatigue-it is like a mirror prone to dust. It is always necessary to wipe diligently. However, even the act of "wiping" itself can make people feel monotonous and tired.

After walking in the fog, the color, sound and appearance become hazy and monotonous. I suddenly gave birth to the idea of ​​"don't bother as long as the anomaly hasn't attacked. Stay outside the old toilet, just spend the night, and announce that everything has been resolved during the day." It was still full of courage. Won the dead soldiers and taught the outsiders, however. When this negative thought suddenly jumped into my mind, there was no way to stop it. I smoke, walk in the gray fog, and what I see and feel may be the factor that triggers this negative thought. I understand this very well, just. Sometimes, even if you understand it, you can't adjust it, let alone adjust it, even if you want to prevent yourself from generating this kind of thought, and destroy the factors that will provoke this kind of thought, it is difficult to do.

Human beings are really hard to do. It is impossible to control one's thoughts with absolute freedom, so one cannot control one's behavior with absolute freedom. Impulses in thoughts, emotions, and actions are often visible. Even so, it is still necessary to eliminate the negative factors brought by impulses as much as possible.

"Yeah, it's really tiring to live. So it's good to take a short break." Such a voice. Suddenly jumped into my mind.

The word "jump into" is not wrong. It does not "float up" from the depth of thinking, but "jump into" from outside of self-thinking. Because I am used to being in a state of self-thinking, and there is such a special existence as "Jiang" as a reference, so when "sound" and "thought" appear in whether it is my own idea or an abnormality implanted from outside, it is often Can distinguish more clearly than others. There are more than one type of "auditory hallucinations". No matter in mysterious doomsday illusions or seemingly normal hospital realities, "auditory hallucinations" and "illusion hallucinations" are my first habits.

Because it is too familiar and too clear, so when this voice and my emotional thinking are active, the subtle difference immediately caught my attention.

"No matter how much you do, you can't see the end. After all, is there really an end?" The voice floated slowly in my mind, like my own voice.

I stopped and listened quietly.

"People are self-contradictory creatures, they are always doing self-contradictory things, even if they use psychological methods to self-dissect, they can only see contradictions."

"Humans are living awkwardly. It should be better. Without distinguishing things too clearly, you will not harm others or be harmed by others. In the final analysis, the harm to the soul is the 'fact that you can't admit'." But as long as you do n’t think deeply, you wo n’t really know whether a certain fact is difficult for you to admit, so you can do it by fooling over. "

I heard this, let go of my footsteps, and continued walking towards the old toilet. However, although the ripples of the chain judgment still convey the "as always" feeling, when you look at the road with your naked eyes and walk with your feet, you should be on a shortened path, but it is beyond the length of the feeling. Yes, the anomaly began. This time, it is not a real and direct killing machine like a dead soldier, but a spiritual mystery ...? Knowing this, my heart calmed down again.

"Voice" continued to echo in my heart, speaking negative words, and I felt more tired, as if my limbs were covered with heavy shackles-has the pace slowed down? I started to calculate my step distance and frequency, and then confirmed it again. Although it felt that it was slow due to fatigue, in fact, my speed of movement did not change. It's just that the comparison of path and speed becomes difficult to do because of hallucinations and hallucinations.

The road has become longer, the body and spirit are very heavy, and the pace is getting slower and slower. These are obvious and direct "feels". For a person like me who has strong sensitivity and sensitivity, this time it's abnormal, it really cuts the point. I'm not afraid of auditory hallucinations and hallucinations, or even sensational torture, but I absolutely don't like it. Compared with the fight from boxing to flesh, there is no doubt that it is rejected from the bottom of my heart.

On the spiritual level, especially the erosive mystery of adapting to local conditions and adapting to people. It is an unbearable test for all humans, even if the subject is a mysterious profession, no matter how strong a person is, after experiencing too many adventures and life and death. Even if it seems to have broken through the doubts of life, it can not completely eliminate its own shaking-because, knowing and doing is different.

Among all mystery experts, I am confident that I am the best member of the spiritual level of mystery resistance, which can be distinguished in the first time. Which are hallucinations, which are not, which are dangerous, and which are less dangerous, how to adjust in a temporary environment, etc., these various beneficial capabilities. I have it all. Even so, I am still a sentimental, sensitive and emotional type. Even if I think rationally, I cannot deny that I am the type.

When mental erosion strikes, people like me who think too much and are full of emotions often need to withstand a stronger impact than others. No matter how many similar situations have been experienced in the past. When the situation repeats itself again, it is impossible to completely cancel it out with experience-after all, if you do n’t care at all, there is only "numbness". If you do n’t understand it, let ’s make an analogy: when the impact comes When you can't avoid it, you have to defeat this kind of shock. To adapt to this kind of shock, you need to bear relative force. The more precise you are about yourself. The stronger the feeling of this impact, it has nothing to do with whether you are "hard" enough. It is impossible to feel the impact because of "hardness." It can only be said that the impact cannot bring too much to the harder one. s damage.

and so. When the mental attack strikes, whether it will bear the impact or not has nothing to do with the determination of the victim. There is no way to offset the mental wear except for insensitivity. However, to achieve numbness, the premise is "to admit what is revealed by mental erosion." Only if you admit it, it does not matter. As long as there is a denial, even if you just expect something different, you cannot be true. "numbness".

Yes, the mystery from the spiritual level, if it is a direct attack, but it is easy to deal with. The most annoying thing is to adapt to local conditions and erode according to human conditions. Because I can wake myself up, but I can't be insensitive. When something unsatisfactory appears, I will be bored, irritated, and resisted, and I do n’t think it ’s wrong. Even if I get hurt, I do n’t think I should cater to something like this. Therefore, no matter when, the spiritual strength is effective for me. It's just the difference in effect.

Now, what the voice said was like a burst of my emotions, and the negative emotions erupted from the bottom of my heart, but for me, it was just "like".

If I could shut it up, I would have done it already, but the problem is that the source of this mysterious power is also often harder to detect than something that is substantially anomalous, even if it is, it is difficult to deal with, because, it The form of existence is often "conceptualized", that is, there is no real contact, and most of the time, it can only resist the past by its own will until it disappears by itself. In occultism, this type of mystery is also the most complicated, weird, troublesome, and most inexplicable solution.

"Although I tried so hard, my body was bruised, but can I really succeed?" The voice continued to say in my mind: "After stepping through the thorns and enduring the torture, what do you have in front of you? Really think that you think Is it like that? Although there are also wonderful things in the scenery along the way, is it really worth tolerate the pain, and continue to endure the pain, and look forward to its return? Thinking that only after suffering can you get wonderful things, It ’s totally a masochistic idea. It ’s ridiculous, so ridiculous. Although there are important people who have to be rescued, in the final analysis, is that really that important person? Whether it matters or not depends on your memory and thoughts If the three of them are changed, the importance will also change. Think about it. Do those who seem to be important really matter? Ca n’t you really find something to replace in the future? It is necessary to endure all the way Is it painful to find a result that is still indistinguishable so far? Even if you do it so stubbornly, can you really get the end of your dream? "

Yeah, these thoughts, I have also had. Although this voice is "not mine", but it said that the darkness and the negative in my heart were met, and it was really adapted to the local conditions, the spiritual erosion of the adaptation to people-it was really annoying. What I hate the most is the shameful and shameful thought of being seen through, but consciously worthless. I don't want to admit that I have this idea, but I have to admit it. There are too many unsatisfactory in the world. Everyone is the same, I have known this for a long time, but it is still extremely uncomfortable to be actively mentioned by "other than myself".

I hate mental erosion.

however. Even if it shouted and shut up, hysterical shouting-"What do you know", "Those who really want to live are struggling like this"-similarly, it is impossible to stop. On the contrary, it will appear to be too much in Form Two, and it will become a kind of memory of "feeling ashamed in retrospect".

and so. Still be silent.

"Give up, don't do it anyway, no matter how you live, that is, a few decades of life, how can you live a little easier? Why must I bear this harsh fate? If I fight the terminal illness, anyway It ’s impossible. Otherwise, it ’s not terminally ill. ”

"I don't want to die, I want to live alive easily. I want to be with the person I love. They love me. Then, they will definitely suffer because of my pain. Relax yourself. It's the same to them. Very important. "

"Hero or something, isn't it ridiculous? Because this world is contradictory. There is no justice at all, and some are just others who sacrificed for their own ideas."

"Everything in front of you is false, even if you defeat all the enemies in this place? Won't you still become a sick patient after going back? Like a otaku playing a game, it is impossible in reality, It is as invincible as in the game. Staying in such a world, there are limits to being strong. "

"Go back, if you move forward, your brain will start to swell again, your body will creak, and you are about to fall apart. It ’s enough to stay here. No one expects you to do more, no, it should be, I do n’t want you. Do more, because. Your persistence today has become the distress of those people you want to pay for. They have abandoned you, and everything they do is contrary to yours. "

"I'm already dead, why am I still standing here? Is the current me, the real me? Where is my self-righteousness? The person I love is like a phantom, even if it is dead, Will stand in front of me again ... "

...

…………

………………

Repeatedly and endlessly, these sounds are like dandelions, flying in my mind, even if I do n’t want to listen, they will penetrate into my ears, and then explode all kinds of thoughts and emotions. As the language itself, It doesn't have the sweetness of honey, but there is a force that smears the pale words into sticky, even if you hate it, you can't break away. As if clamoring: "Come to refute me, hurry to refute me, deny me, anger and struggle in the bottom of my heart, but no matter how struggling, this is your true thought. You are such a weak and weak, and Any ordinary person has no difference. "

My emotions are indeed rolling, and together with my thoughts, it is like putting it on a frying pan. Every time the sound sounds, its content is deeply imprinted in my heart. I can recognize that it is not my own idea, but it is hooked by it. However, the thoughts it overlaps with what it expresses, so, in this sense, what it says is indeed my heart. I am very painful, no matter how I do it, I can't see the final truth, nor can I use time and experience to simulate the final result. The finale of the great consummation is like a golden apple that only exists in the dream. It comes with the dream of the hero. It can only be seen vaguely, but it is not certain or touchable. , Leaving me with bruises all over, still need to stand up and fight.

Yes, I have thought about it so far, and there are still such thoughts buried in my heart-my efforts, I died and come back to life, what do I do for them, is it really necessary? For them, did they also have their own ideas, denying my approach? After all, I have been fighting, haven't I always achieved nothing? If you ca n’t save anyone, not even yourself, even if you stick to it, you will win, but when will you stick to it? What is your own way, your own persistence, your own thoughts, your own contribution, in the eyes of others? Even if they do their best in the illusion of doomsday, they are recognized, but what exists in the illusion of doomsday is probably not the most real of them.

For those who have lost form, they have broken their personalities. Like ghosts, they exist in my heart, even in such a world composed of consciousness, they can exist like substance, but with the advent of the end of the world. They will eventually die. Then everything will reincarnate again. Whether it's interpersonal relationships, emotions, or cognition, everything has to be reconstructed.

Yes, I did not forget them. I ca n’t forget them. I insist on bearing their destiny and future, but when they start from scratch, does what I do really mean to them? Or maybe. Is it only meaningful to yourself?

...

…………

………………

These negative, unwilling to think, but because of the existence of voice, and the constant efforts to make me feel that my soul seems to be torn apart. However, because of their existence, I am more convinced. I am not alone in driving these actions. I am more in line with my aesthetics, so that I can feel the power of my heart. Because, my steps haven't stopped?

I threw away the cigarette, pulled out the second one and lit it, smoking it deeply. I feel that my footsteps are staggering, this road can't be finished, but. When I look back, I see that I'm farther away from the previous observation point, and I feel like "Ah, I'm really moving forward." It was a scene that made me feel excited.

Yes. I deeply understand that because of the erosion of this negative spirit, I still have n’t stopped, nor did I give up. Then, there must be something contrary to the conclusion of these negative thoughts, driving this Body and soul. Hasn't the education I received, the state I dreamed of, and the aesthetics I have recognized all manifested in this non-stop pace? What contradicts these negative things will only produce a result, that is:

"Hero!" I said to myself: "I am the one who dreams of becoming a hero. Not a hero recognized by others, but a hero of my own. I recognize it based on my life, aesthetics and concepts Hero. I, to be that kind of hero, I want to be that kind of myself! "

"It's ridiculous. No one needs such a hero. It will only become a worry for others. After all, are the heroes you become the heroes they really expect?"

"Maybe it will." I thought: "But, what evidence proves that no one is expecting the hero I dreamed of? My life is too short to make me understand too much, but I know a little: I Deciding who to pay for, fighting for, who becomes a hero, and for whom pain and sorrow are not forced, even if the environment dictates, but it is my own responsibility to accept the responsibility and mission and make this decision Idea-regretting for your own decision, is n’t it inferior? Is n’t that just prove that you are a real idiot idiot? Your decision, no matter what kind of result it will bring, must be borne by yourself. It ’s an idea that fits my aesthetic. Even if someone, no, even myself, it ’s useless to prove this aesthetic error countless times, because following this aesthetic is also my decision. The thoughts in my mind are also negative Okay, positive or negative. In this decision, we have decided the victory and defeat, and coordinated and promoted together before my action was born. "

"Isn't this deceiving yourself? No one likes this kind of guy, because he will only act according to his own ideas, but will not think about others. The essence of the so-called 'for whom to do things' is nothing more than 'To do these things for yourself'. "

"Is it for the sake of others, or for myself, to stop struggling to stop this kind of thing, isn't it stupid?" I was smoking a cigarette, feeling that power was emerging in my body, and the words of "voice" were getting paler. , I said to myself: "Whether it is for yourself or for others, the decision to do something is ultimately to be put into action before it can be achieved. In the final analysis, my idea is just to push myself forward I can benefit others at the same time ... This simple way of thinking. My progress will not only be harmful to others, nor will it only be beneficial to others, but the same, when hurting someone, it must be Who can be saved. I hope that what I save is the one I love, which is narrow enough, but I do n’t know if it ’s really done. But if it hurts them, then I have no other voice to speak! I protect them, but they are not fledglings. We are relatives. If I do something wrong, they will definitely stop me. Then, if I Is wrong, let them come, let them personally told me that I'm doing wrong. Otherwise, I will go along this, they have been looking forward to the road! "

Because, they did n’t stop and did n’t say “do n’t do this”, did they? I decided to save them, initially because they longed for salvation. What I carried was not only my dream from the beginning. Our desires overlapped from the first moment, so "Gaochuan" was born.

If "Gaochuan" should stop, its existence and behavior have no meaning, then, it must be the will of all people to decide this kind of thing-me, eight sceneries, Misaki, Marceau, color, Dorothy And Jiang.

"It's really weak, something like you is just going to be good at it." I said to the "Voice", "Is there any more powerful words? Come to refute me, come to knock me down, let my will Weakness makes my soul fragile and makes me understand that tempering myself is not enough. Come on, let me see my own shortcomings, see my own cowardice, and then, I will cross all this and stand at the end . As for the one that appears at the end, whether it is a golden apple or a rotten apple, I think something like you must not be seen. "

Things that can only speak, but cannot move forward, are the most meaningless.

and so--

Shut up for me.

Silence me.

It is enough to watch my story quietly.

I lifted my body hard, and those voices kept digging into my mind, but what it evoked was no longer nothingness and chaotic gray, but surging red. I feel that my blood is running, the heart's strong jump is a calm rhythm, and the power emerges from every cell.

I struggled, struggling, struggling to move my arms, legs, and feet, and listening to the "fragile" sound that sounded in my heart. I can see that with every step I take, there are some transparent fragments that peel off from the body, hands and feet. These fragments are like snowflakes in the gray mist, and are illusory things that only exist in the blink of an eye.

Are your hands, feet and body split? Very painful, mentally, physically, inexplicable pain came, and a huge force was dragging himself, looking at the fragmented illusion, there was a fear of death.

But what about that?

Die ~ lightnovelpub.net ~ This is not the first time.

But as long as I am alive, I must move forward! No matter what is in front of me, but if you don't move forward, you will never know what it will be!

Go, silence, go, go silent. No matter how heavy the step is, since I can stand, I can take it and let me listen to it. That overwhelming voice.

I smoked hard and strode hard.

Then, in the next step, I heard a huge crackling sound.

My body suddenly lightened, and it seemed that something heavy broke apart, turned into illusory dust, and flew backward. I didn't look backwards, whether it was my hands or feet, or some part of my body.

Because, I can still move forward, so the cracked things must not be that important, and there is no need to look back.

The voice disappeared in my mind. I ran hard towards my goal. (To be continued. If you like this work, you are welcome to come to the starting point () to vote for recommendation and monthly tickets. Your support is my biggest motivation. Please read it for mobile users.)