What Dr. Ruan Li brought was not all good news. ⊙ Four ⊙ Five ⊙ Chinese ⊙ ● ● Although I keep worrying, thinking, sorting out clues, trying to find the best way to cope. However, when mysterious events ferment, what I have to face is always the emergence of situations and dilemmas. Of course, I will also imagine the best and worst situations, put out all the possibilities that I can think of, make a plan, and also do a good job in dealing with the disadvantages. Preparation for consequences. I bear the consciousness of every decision I make. However, as a person, I cannot imagine every turning point in a mysterious event, nor can I estimate the lower limit of the worst case. When I have to use consciousness to face my own Even if you do n’t feel regret when you do n’t expect the result, the pain and sorrow in your heart cannot be stopped.

More than half of the patients diagnosed with the seminar's new medicine died. Dr. Ruan Li did not tell me the mortality rate of ordinary patients who took the new medicine, and although there were no deaths, they had other side effects. Dr. Ruan Li's perception of me lying on the bed at this time was that "Gao Chuan is also a routine patient taking new drugs", but for me, there are other explanations.

From the perspective of this repeater world, from the cognitive perspective of Dr. Ruan Li, to the interpretation of any situation, and from the perspective of other worlds, the cognitive perspective of other people, and even his own cognitive perspective, so The interpretations obtained are different and even diametrically opposed, incomparably contradictory.

In the eyes of Dr. Ruan Li, although I was awake, my body was still weak. But in my opinion, it is not my body that is weak, but my spirit and my thinking. The sequelae of the previous blow. It still remains in my brain, no, it should be said that it is not just the "brain" which is a biologically subjective thinking component, but a more specific way of thinking, the residual memory and even the foundation of its own spirit- -thought.

I cannot explain my current situation in detail. Probably because I have too little knowledge. Without enough theory and vocabulary to describe these problems.

The reason why I think there is no problem with my body is because the magic pattern on the right hand is conveying a lively, active and strong feeling. This feeling is like a heat flow, flowing along every muscle, blood vessel and nerve, even giving me an illusion, as if this magic pattern is still injecting information into my brain. As for what kind of information, it is completely impossible to dig out through brain activity.

I think this is an illusion, but it is so realistic that it is so. Taking into account my own situation, I have to consider that it may be true.

In this world full of mysteries, all things that are impossible in my understanding and in the theory that I recognize may exist. Well, when I think I am an illusion, it is actually what is happening. Of course it is possible.

I can't organize my thoughts and think deeply. It is impossible to run through the clues left in my mind in a logical way. I know that I have the memory that caused all this in front of me. However, this memory overflows uncontrollably, like a hot lava. The sound of rumbling sounds rolled, and these sounds, impressions, and feelings were not the problem of facial features. But it only exists in the mind, whether it is actively thinking or not, it always exists.

In the view of Dr. Ruan Li, this is the sequelae, which belongs to the impact of medicine on the nerves of the brain. To restore it, in addition to continuing to take some medicines, you can only rely on the body's own recovery ability. At present, neither Dr. Ruan Li nor the seminars have the ability to create special drugs for this side effect. From the perspective of the seminar, some energy may be allocated to study these side effects to obtain more data on clinical trials of new drugs, but its greater energy has always been placed on how to find new routes that have been found. A breakthrough was made in the research of "paradise".

Yes, Dr. Ruan Li told me: "The clinical trials of the new drugs have ended. After the seminars have absorbed the experience and lessons, they have new ideas. The newly developed drugs will follow the inspiration brought by this failure. But it is not to continue the route of this new drug. The drugs they developed later are theoretically closer to what they want, but no matter the drug properties or the way the drugs act, or even the possible effects, they will be different from the new drugs. In short, the drugs that were re-manufactured and the new drugs used by patients in the past are no longer a series of successes. "

Dr. Ruan Li also has to participate in new research, but privately, although Dr. Ruan Li is not the only one who has further research on new drugs, he may be the most dedicated expert in this area. Because of me, Dr. Ruan Li wanted to create special drugs that would work for patients who are currently taking new drugs, as well as more in-depth improved drugs. Dr. Ruan Li believes that the route of the new drug itself is wrong, but because someone has taken it, and it has produced a certain effect, the patient cannot be simply given up.

When the topic turned to me, she said: "Actually, the new drug is not in line with my philosophy, but it is not the terrible side effects. Achuan, the effect it has on you, and other patients The effect is different. "

"What's different?" I couldn't think about it, but just habitually followed Dr. Ruan Li's words. "Do you think that part of my changes at this time is benign?"

"Yes." Dr. Ruan Li nodded cautiously. "According to the observations these days, your brain waves are a little messy, but the activity level is reduced."

"Isn't this bad news?" I said, "I'm sick, this is a sign of weakness."

"Only part of it is. For ordinary people, such changes are indeed bad news, but for you, it is not exactly like this." Dr. Ruan Li said: "In the past, you were too active in brain waves. Intense, it seems that you have been in a state of extreme excitement. But even at that time, your brain waves are not coherent, orderly, and stable. Describe it like this, you in the past, the brain seems to be at any time It's the same as overheating. "

This is the first time I have heard this statement.

"I believe you also feel that you can't control your thinking." Dr. Ruan Li said: "You not only can't control your thinking, but you can't actually organize your memory. Even all of your split personality can't actually Control your own nerves and brain. The actions that you thought were from the heart may not be what you want to do. "

"Don't joke. Mom." I couldn't help interrupting Dr. Ruan Li. Say: "I always know what I am doing. Although I may not be able to tell whether the illusion is still true, I am really trying to distinguish it. I am pretty sure that I love you."

Dr. Ruan Li was silent for a while, no argument, but nodded. but I know. She insisted on what she said. In her eyes, I was such a child who couldn't control it. In fact, I also understood that from some angles, she was right. However, whether it is wrong or not, I must move forward in such a situation. Know how bad your situation is and how bad your situation is in the eyes of others. Knowing these things is actually not useful for changing these things.

If you know it, you can change it. Of course, this argument is reasonable.

However, knowing it can not be changed, such a situation also exists objectively.

So far, no one can change the problems that have occurred to me. This is not just a question of ability, but also a question of time.

I know. What makes me like this is what is beyond human imagination. It seems to gradually reveal the tip of the iceberg. But now, I am not even sure if this tip of the iceberg is also an illusion.

"Next time, I will take full responsibility for your medication. I have already obtained this authority." Dr. Ruan Li said.

"Is it because the patients who have been diagnosed too often die too much?" I couldn't help laughing. "Shall we also make concessions over the seminar?"

"You don't need to think about these things. Relieve and recuperate."

Saying so. She did not intend to continue this topic. She took the document out of her portfolio and said to me: "Before you were comatose, you recorded something interesting. Do you remember?"

Of course I remember that although the spirit is still unable to cheer up. Something has been blocking the brain, and when you think about it, you will be filled with a mess of things. But I still remember that I recorded something with pen and paper in the moment before my coma. However, at this moment, as if he did not believe, Dr. Ruan Li looked at me calmly. After a long while, he seemed to have decided to put the few pages of paper on the bedside and said to me: "You It ’s best to look at it and maybe get some hints. "

"What hint?" I was puzzled because she said it too vaguely.

"Maybe, you won't even believe what you have written. In the past, you have always believed in the contents of your diary, but, I'm not sure, you will continue to believe." Dr. Ruan Li said: "This It ’s a real lunatic, and only describes it. "

"If I will continue to believe it?" I know that what I wrote in my diary will never be approved by Dr. Ruan Li. The reason why Dr. Ruan Li flipped through it was to seek symbolic hints behind the story.

"If you choose to believe what is written in these pages, you will doubt the past diaries. But if you believe in the diaries, you will not agree to write down the contents described in these papers." Dr. Ruan Li said: "Both There is a serious conflict between them, and it reflects your self-contradiction at this time. "

"You are too esoteric. Mom." I couldn't help complaining.

"Maybe." Dr. Ruan Li smiled and stood up from his chair. "Okay, I came here this time just to see your situation. Since you have woke up, it doesn't look crazy. , Then I can rest assured for the time being. "

"I'm leaving so soon?" I couldn't help but keep it.

"I'm pressed for time. I still have a lot of experiments to organize. I want to use the equipment and resources of the seminar, but it's not that simple. I must seize every time and opportunity." Dr. Ruan Li said.

"So, tell me, mother." I asked her very seriously: "In your eyes, is my overall condition worsened or improved?" I think this is what she has always avoided talking about. thing.

Sure enough, Dr. Ruan Li hesitated and answered after a while: "The possibility of deterioration is greater. A Chuan, I hope you can be prepared." Her tone was painful, making me feel like she was telling A terminally ill patient, he has reached an advanced stage.

Dr. Ruan Li has been saying good things to me. Although there is a lot of bad news, but through the way of words, people feel that it is not so bad. however. I understand that this last sentence is her most sincere thought, and the most reluctant to say it, but it is also the thought she least wants to hide.

Able to admit to the patient, "You have a terminal illness and will die shortly." It is one of her most important insistences as a doctor.

Perhaps, to say this to patients is also a very painful thing for franks. Dr. Ruan Li's face flashed with such pain.

"Gaochuan will not die, mother." I just smiled and comforted her. "Before fulfilling my wish, Gaochuan will not give up and will not die. For Gaochuan. Despair is not the reason to stop. And looking for hope is one of the reasons why Gaochuan exists. Mom, you read the diary, maybe for you, everything in the story is not true, but, I think. You can understand that Gaochuan in the story is in the end What kind of person it is. "

Dr. Ruan Li stepped forward suddenly. Hug me and say, "I know, I know. Good boy, as long as you don't give up, I won't give up." Let me go. He walked out the door without looking back. In the observation of the chain judgment, she turned to the wall outside the door and covered her face in tears. I think I can experience some of her feelings, but I can't really feel the deepest emotion in her heart at this time. How sour her tears are now. For me, it is totally impossible to taste its taste.

I can only deal with her with a smiley face in front of her, and use the most authentic and strong language to infect her and let her understand that I am not such a sad person. Yes, the pain and sorrow that I feel in my heart are born out of the situation of others, but for myself in the same situation, this kind of pain and sorrow is not so profound. I think I am sad, hypocritical, and hopeless, but I do n’t think I should feel sad and painful for myself. Because, I know exactly what I am doing, and what kind of effort I have put in. True, maybe the result has not been sweet, and too many mistakes have occurred. For myself, I feel proud and proud.

Past mistakes, present mistakes, and future mistakes, as well as all kinds of failures, unpredictable tragedies, are not the reasons why I hate myself, hate myself, and think I should be desperate. I am quite sure that in my life, I am full of all kinds of confusion, mysterious strikes, the apostasy of my relatives and friends, and even the future of continuous decline, I will suddenly feel a deep defeat Feeling, but these are also not my reasons to stop and doubt myself.

If you do something wrong, you have to pay a price. I agree with this sentence. I do n’t know if I ’m wrong, but I ’ve done it well. If I ’m really wrong, I have to bear the consciousness of the price, but I will continue to walk according to my own ideas before being proved wrong. As for how to prove yourself wrong? The answer is also very simple. When that price comes and makes me completely desperate, it must be the punishment for doing something wrong.

On the contrary, since I am not desperate, I am still struggling, I have not given up, I am still struggling, there is a plan that is being completed, and I am still trying to redeem it. So, what else can prove me wrong?

For Gaochuan, death and despair are completely different. The hope inherited through death has always been shown in front of my eyes, and myself, but only a link of hope torch relay, may be the last link, it may be the middle link. In this case, death may prove my mistake, but it cannot prove "Gao Chuan" 's mistake.

But now, I have not died.

In the eyes of Dr. Ruan Li, maybe I have become ill and blind, but as long as I have not died, the possibility still exists. What should be done in theory, for me, only has reference value, but not final value.

My heart rhythm gradually returned to normal, and I forcibly discarded all the bad hunches and began to check the diary left by Dr. Ruan Li. This is a sloppy and crazy word written on a few sheets of paper. Between the lines, the handwriting, format and content, the entire piece of paper with the text, and the visual shape presented are the first time that made me realize how crazy I have been in writing these things. Reading these words, I gradually awakened more memories and feelings at that time.

I initially thought that when I wrote down these things, I still kept the last reason. It was these reasons that gave me the idea of ​​recording, and before the coma, I wrote the most content possible with the most concise words. . But at this point of re-examination, I immediately understood why Dr. Ruan Li mentioned this content with such an expression and such a statement.

Indeed, it seems that all this is like the whispers of crazy people who have completely lost their minds. They have no credible reasons at all, and they can't find any symbolic clues at all. The only thing that is certain is that the person who wrote the content was crazy at the time, and the reason for his crazy, the morbidity at the time, and the psychological trajectory no longer need to be ignored, and it is impossible to write in such text found.

"The split between concept and reality leads to the existence of the concept independently?" In my mind, the feelings at the time, and the thoughts, or the content that was stuck in my mind. It is still difficult to imagine that when I come back to God now, I would have such thoughts at that time. However, from a "mysterious" point of view, it makes people have to care.

Things outside of thought, a kind of existence that is formed by the converging of the corresponding concepts because of the concepts of "thought" and "wise". No, it shouldn't even be said to exist, but something that exists only in imagination, without reason and meaningless. As a person, one can imagine such a thing, but it is completely impossible to define what kind of thing it is. How to make sure that it really exists?

However, the kind of thought that suddenly became my thought at that time, as if the thought was raped, as if gestating some kind of feeling, but it really did not seem to be spontaneously generated by me, but by guidance. My cognition cannot explain this situation. However, in terms of feeling alone, it seems that everything that happened in the past is to produce such a thinking and such a conceptual cognition. This kind of cognition also makes me feel distorted.

I can feel the distortion of my thoughts and accept this distortion-this is a very contradictory experience.

If the cognition of "outside thoughts" is not a cognition derived from self, but a cognition conceived by external forces, then the culprit leading to all this, I can only think of "viruses" "And" jiang ".

Originally, since "outside the mind" is defined as something that is purely a concept of relativity, then it itself cannot be recognized, understood, or even observed. For people, there should be no difference between existence and non-existence. But now, it does affect the people I have observed ~ lightnovelpub.net ~ Through observation of this effect, it can be said that it does exist.

This is a very strange feeling: if the researchers in the original hospital did not connect those diseases together and attribute them to the "virus", then the "virus" does not exist, and those diseases do not have such a deep connection. It is called the "doom syndrome" by the same name. This means that if the actual person in the hospital at that time did not propose the existence of a "virus", but according to the normal method to treat those conditions, probably nothing would happen.

However, when the concept of "virus" appeared, everything changed. When people try to find out the "virus", they have confirmed the existence of the "virus". And this confirmation seems to be turning into the reason and root of the existence of "virus".

Various diseases are combined into "doom syndrome", which is considered to be the result of infection with "virus". These diseases, which have long been recognized by people, have produced a vicious change that even experts are helpless after they are integrated.

If this vicious change is combined with my situation at this time, it is more like-"Virus" is trying to appear in front of people in a more practical and specific way, and the reason for this, Just because there are some people, in a certain way of association, from a ridiculous angle, confirmed the existence of "virus". (To be continued ...)